Finding Your Sexual Voice
“What freedom men and women could have, were they not constantly tricked and trapped and enslaved and tortured by their sexuality! The only drawback in that freedom is that without it one would not be a human. One would be a monster.”
― John Steinbeck, East of Eden
Kristin and I have been talking about having a podcast episode about sex since WAY before our official launch last September. If you listen to our podcast, you know that we began recording episodes as early as April of 2019. Most of these early episodes are of low audio quality--it took us a LONG time to climb up that steep learning curve-- and many of them are just us talking about us, over and over again, as we worked through the brave new world of life after marriage.
We joke that perhaps we’ll release a blooper episode at some point, filled with clips from these episodes that otherwise will never see the light of day. We spent a lot of time back then talking about sex. And dating. Dating apps. New experiences. We talked a lot, even just when hanging out together, about all we were thinking and feeling and wanting as we began making forays out into the single world.
Those were heady months, filled with fun and laughter and a few dates and relationships here and there, until Covid hit. Sigh. But our work on WOTR continued as our passion for the subject matter increased. We still wanted to have an episode about sex, but constantly growing and learning and evolving meant that what we wanted to talk about a year and a half ago was completely different from what seems important now, today. There’s a lot of water under that bridge--going from newly separated to divorced.
As we grew and progressed, and honed down what we wanted WOTR to be, we knew we needed outside guidance-- an expert voice on sex, if you will. Even after we found Cheryl, and she agreed to come on the podcast to discuss sex, it was STILL hard to hone down what we wanted the show to be about. There’s just so much to talk about! I’m all for just letting something happen organically, but Kristin wants a little more structure.
Yet another reason we’re a good team! I would say, “We should just talk about the sexual issues midlife women face.” And Kristin would say, “So…. hormone health? Low desire? Poor body image? Low self-worth? Let’s don’t forget that as men age they’re more likely to have performance issues. Do we talk about that?” We went round and round.
Finally, Cheryl was walking in the door with us only having the most vague notion of how to approach a seriously vast topic. And of course, it went amazingly. Anyone who seeks counseling with her is lucky. She’s incredibly positive, open, honest, straightforward, and extremely interested in helping “her people” find out the root causes of the issues they’re dealing with. And the conversation just flowed.
It came down to the idea that women need to find their sexual voice. To me, it’s such a compelling thought. My sexual voice. Our sexual voices. One’s sexual voice encompasses the ability to speak your desire, to seek pleasure, to negotiate acceptable sexual behaviors, to even offer consent.
It’s everything from knowing your body and what it likes, to how to teach your children about sex, yet it’s been quieted down, muted, shushed, and silenced for millennia, on a global level, and on an individual level, nearly since birth.
We asked Cheryl to offer Three Tips for Women.
Love your vulva: Examine it, know its beauty, love its power. Change the narrative to embody and love what it still offers you.
Don't believe the hype: Ignore the many voices sending you messages that you internalize to your own detriment and sexual dissatisfaction. The ''hype" can be ideas about what you are "supposed to" like, not like, do, or not do.
Find your sexual voice: This is the voice that is drowned out by the hype. This voice, when given its power, can lead you to sexual freedom, fulfillment, and yes-- fun.
We’re taught how “good girls” behave, what they do and don’t do, by our parents, neighbors, teachers, relatives, siblings, culture at large, and later, by the men in our lives. Most of us learn to live by “rules”. I can even remember back in college having a conversation with a friend that went like “So how many men can you have sex with before you’re a slut?” REALLY? Somehow we came up with the number TEN. I’m horrified when I think back on this. Never mind the ridiculous slut-shaming we were doing, but we were closing ourselves and others down in a way that was WOMEN silencing our own sexual voices! OMG
We simply parrot back what we think is expected of us. You’re not “supposed to” have sex with a lot of men. You’re not “supposed to” like doing certain sexual acts. Cheryl says in the podcast this is one of her biggest pet peeves. Women silencing their own sexual voices by saying what they are and aren’t “supposed to” do or not do. There are no “supposed to’s”, she says.
I urge you to listen to the episode with Cheryl if you haven’t already. Begin listening to your sexual voice. Guess what? It speaks in the same whisper that tells you “Maybe you drink too much” or “It’s time to leave this relationship.” That whisper is easy to ignore.
The whisper should be listened to. In the case of your sexual voice, it can lead you to immense pleasure and great sexual satisfaction. It can help you tell your partner you’d like to try something new, it can help you say “NO! I don’t like that,” it can help you begin walking away from the shame and guilt that has surrounded female sexuality for, okay, all of time. Let that whisper turn into a ROAR
Resources
Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life by Emily Nagoski, Ph. D.
The Body Keeps The Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel Van Der Kolk, M.D.
Pussy: A Reclamation by Regena Thomashauer
xo,
Leigh Moody